My CD collection sits dusty and idle. It’s been lost beneath the immediate pleasures of iTunes, YouTube, Spotify, BitTorrent and my sainted iPhone. I haven’t played a single one of those CDs since I moved into my apartment nearly two years ago. A few weeks ago it crossed my mind to sell them – but the thought instantly gave way to a wave of conflicting emotions that I’m hoping now to piece together.
I bought my first CD player, a great big ghetto-blaster affair in black plastic, using money scraped together from paper rounds. My family’s kind myth - that I toiled morning and night for an entire summer - is only half-true. In fact I saved an approximation of the required sum, and got an additional cash-injection from my lovely, indulgent mum. I was 13 – This was 20 years ago.
I’d been told that CDs were unscratchable and was part of the first generation to prove otherwise. My first purchases (Mel & Kim, George Michael and other such nonsense) still sit on the shelf, incriminating but completely unplayable.
Within a couple of years I was buying the CDs that define my adolescence (The Smiths, The Beach Boys, The Stone Roses) the CDs of the teenage try-hard (Joy Division, Bob Dylan) and the CDs of those whose haircuts I liked (Suede, Blur). Back then I felt my purchases should be sure-footed – should stand-up to the critical scrutiny of my peers. Never-mind how I fared, I wonder if the scrutiny ever even arrived.
I enjoyed watching the pile grow, occasionally fluffing it with magazine give-aways and the stolen fruits of my brother’s better judgement. At 18 I headed to London and University, feeling that the tightly packed box of CDs was my most precious cargo. The dance from one student hovel to another was made bearable by the ritual of the CDs. Always first to be unpacked, I’d line them up on the windowsill. Here I am. This is who I am.
After graduation I got together with a lady I’d later marry. We merged collections, invested in a bookshelf and played at adulthood. This was the first time I’d absorbed someone else’s tastes. I was glad to discover The Cure and even lightened up sufficiently to enjoy the ephemeral charms of the singles chart. Belle & Sebastian made us both smile. We had several happy years and a couple of unhappy ones. As the relationship soured, my CD buying slowed. What new music I did acquire was downloaded illegally and I imagined the downloads as music in themselves – staccato bursts of zeros and ones. Somewhere along the line my CD collection dated - pinning me to a musical period that nobody mourns today. Britpop – white boys with guitars – had made me feel vital in the mid-nineties. Now it linked me with Tony Blair, cocaine excess and the truth that my teenage years were long gone.
My marriage broke-up and I moved house several times. Without stable bricks and mortar, my laptop became my comfort. It housed my diary, my photos and of course all of my music. Lugging my CDs about became a chore. Boxes containing several hundred are seriously heavy. Those boxes spent a year in the howling pathos of a self-storage depot (what terrible stories, thwarted ambitions, do those places hide?)
I’m in a stable relationship and home again now. Things are good. My CDs sit in retirement, at ankle level. My entire music collection, growing again in digital form, hides inside my phone. It follows me onto the tube and through London, competing against Facebook and Twitter for my idle time. I like it that way. It’s alive.
I listen to my music on shuffle when I’m feeling nostalgic. It takes me on a random walk around my late twenties, early teens, experimental downloads, mislabelled tracks and incongruous rubbish of unknown origin (who the hell is Mario Winans? How did his warbling slip into my collection?)
Of course this all happened to my parents too. I remember the piles of records on my Dad’s handmade shelving. The olds were in their thirties – as I am now – when they’d periodically blast out Lou Reed, The Rolling Stones or the shrieking of the McGarrigle sisters. The exuberant noise, much louder than the TV could ever be, hinted that that they hadn’t always been the solid, dependable rocks I imagined them to be. Everything was ten or twenty years old. My three brothers and I wondered if perhaps they’d been busy. Today I’ve discovered the pleasure of sharing musical tastes with my parents. I have Morrissey with my Dad, Rufus Wainwright with my Mum.
They still have their records and of course I’ll be keeping my CDs. They’ll soon leave the shelves, resting awhile under the bed on their slow journey to an attic I don’t yet have.
I have a fantasy that my children will one day pick through them with absolute irreverence. They can loudly reject it all, while quietly co-opting a couple for their own collections, as the process starts over.
Recent Comments